musings.....

I've been married a couple of years at this point. Being a married woman in the west didn't change anything significantly - at work, with friends, the social circle. Sure, we probably hangout more with other couple friends now, but that would have been the case even if we were just dating. Sure, that puts me in the league of married women at work who don't celebrate Valentine's day but again, neither do couples that are in a long-term relationship. In short - my identity, how much fun I have, my work, my social circle - has not been affected by marriage.

It is the polar opposite in India - a marriage essentially elevates a girl to the status of womanhood. It gives her the legitimacy in a society. Any socio-religious function - whether it is someone's marriage, baby shower, house warming etc etc requires you to be married - the mangal sutra is your stamp of approval. And since I haven't lived in India in almost 9 years now - my single days didn't affect me adversely, neither does my married status get me any perks now.

Until today. My Indian neighbor knocked at my door and invited me to a "women only" function. I didn't think much of it, the ladies were all decked up. I had just returned from work , so I showered, changed and threw on a salwar and a bindi and went there. Amidst gobbling all the yummy sweets and food, I learnt that today is a pooja for Goddess Parvathi - a Goan tradition apparently, involving married women and little girls. I felt a bit excited, because this is probably the first time the married thing is counting "for" me if you will.  This and the three time we've visited the temple in these two years we've been married. Because those are the only times I have been offered the Kumkum, and could wear it on my Maang (forehead) as opposed to between my eyebrows , like I should have been doing all these years.

I wonder how much of a big deal and an enormous life changing event it is for women who live in India. Believe me - it is daunting enough to get to know someone, fall in love, move in with them and make it work between just the two of you. Add these societal status changes and everything else to it, it must be a big-bang change, and, women of my grandmom's era had to do this when they were in their teens.

The more I've lived away from my own culture, the more alien it seems to me. But the more I live away from my own culture, the more I can relate to it as well. Immigrant Paradox ?

What does a job mean to a woman ?

This is a scary question. On the one hand - I have pretty much been studying or working since I was 2.5 years old. I had a break a while ago, of 2 months - most of which was spend job searching & relocation, preparing for the next job and so on.

I am on my garden leave now and time flies. I find myself left with a little less than 10 days to prepare for my next job, finish up everything I wanted to finish, and more importantly , relax. I am so wound up - unable to relax. I find myself in the familiar situation of being crazy booked - social life, running errands, personal shopping etc etc.

This is a crazy situation - On the one hand this is the perfect opportunity to just lay low and get some down time. On the other hand, what if I laze around, and am totally unprepared for the rigors of the new job ? What about, dress, hair and the thousand other things I could be doing in the meanwhile ?

Why is it just so hard to relax in life ? Is it just me ?

They reveal more than they conceal...


Post on marriage : 10 views
Post on BITS : 7 views
Post on carnatic music : 2 views
Post ,deceptively titled "Tamil Kalacharam and Sex" : 190 views.

Learning a little something about SEO through this.

Now let's see how many hits this post gets...:)

My parents visited us for a couple of weeks, my mom asked my husband if he reads my blog. Or has heard my songs. I get it. This is something I am about, and my spouse needs to share it etc. But here is another way to look at it : This blog is my personal space in the WWW. Maybe it is OK for couples to seperate lives. How does it matter whether he is a part of this or not ?

In other news, I have discovered my constant need for stimulation. I get bored very easily. And currently I am bored. And when I am bored, my mind goes on overdrive trying to find things to get excited about. I seek friends, but I don't have any here. Really no one I can call and talk to, or just go hangout with. The job is predictable, boring. I've taken it as far as I can go. Need a new challenge. Household is ticking along, which is great. Maybe project reproduction needs to start. (Kids, if you are reading this, we did not decide to have you out of sheer boredom ;)

Is this what marriage is ? Dont get me wrong, I love the idea of coming home to someone, I absolutely love how we are super comfortable around each other, we can relax around each other, we are past the stage where we need to constantly entertain each other. I love our drama free existence, touchwood.  But beyond that, there is a certain ennui that worries me. Or maybe I just come to love the drama that comes with putting our marriage under the microscope and find things to worry about.

Either way , there is a higher purpose to my existence, or so I'd like to think. Marriage is a part of the puzzle, but it isn't the answer. Maybe it is, to some people.  There is still something more that needs to be discovered, that needs to be conquered, something that needs to be internalized. And that discomfort, the feeling that something is missing. It is not pleasant - it is sometimes disconcerting. But it is that period of self-awareness that has also led to some of the best decisions I've made in my life , including meeting my husband.  How long will this phase last and what comes at the end of it ? If only we knew...

It is a "normal" day as I wait to board my flight to newark liberty international. I've done this more times over the past 5 years than I care to count.

Except this is different. I am going back - I mustn't take the train to P3 and search for my car. I mustnt wait for my AMC cab guy to pick me up. Hell I dont even have his number anymore. When did I delete it ? I try to recollect.

The lady at the check-in looks at my passport and says " What is your reason to visit London maam ?"

" I live here, I am visiting the U.S." I tell her ,as a matter of fact.

Yes, I am "visiting" EWR. I am not renting a car, my US license has expired. Or maybe I can , with my UK one. Must remember to drive on the correct side.

Its been 14 months since I've left the country. Who lives in my apartment now ? Does the doorman still remember me ?

I've taken to my new life lovingly and it has been absolutely wonderful.

I skirt around the unease as I charge my iPhone. Hopefully my roaming works.



I land.I hear accents around me. Familiar yet different.

The week flew by. I was in a haze.

I am still in a haze, its been a week since I've been back.

Familiar, yet different. This is scary.

Where is home ?

It was our anniversary last weekend. Yes, our first one. And if you are one of our grand-kids reading this, yes, marriages did last that long in those days. Oh wait - google marriage first.

Anyway,  it brings us up to year one. So far, so good - no fish-hooking , no eye-gouging.... no wait I am kidding. It was pretty good , actually. People say the first few years are the most difficult. But in some ways they are the easiest. Because you are young, you have energy, and believe it or not, you do have the most time to spend with each other you'll ever have.

Marriage is harder today that it has probably ever been historically - changing gender roles, both people having hectic work lives, it is becoming increasingly harder to focus on each other and the relationship. Add kids to the mix, not to mention the in-laws, and out lawed friends and things can heat up pretty quickly.

I've seen happy marriages, and then I've seen the unhappy ones. Every happy marriage has the same basic elements, but every unhappy marriage is unhappy in its own way. In my opinion, getting married too young/early is the worst of these types of marriages. I see people all the time, jump into marriage - no idea who they are , what they want to be and what they want out of life. I've seen people, especially women, to whom marriage is an escape - an escape from a failed career, a failed relationship or a tick in the box due to peer pressure. I've seen people, men especially , who do it because it is the right time, and it is convenient. I've seen pushy parents force the timelines down their kids throat, thinking they know best. I've seen kids who've gotten on with it wholeheartedly. Now, I have also seen people belonging to one or more of these situations, eventually find peace and happiness with their partners. But you also see the ones that are silently suffering or vehemently fighting against their situation. Vehement fighting is not ideal, but eventually you get to an end point - as frustrating and taxing as it is. But the silent sufferers are the worst of this lot. The anger and disappointment that builds as a result of unmet expectations, this passive aggression, turns into all things nasty - health issues, depression, low self esteem, cheating etc.

I absolutely adore what I have with my husband and I am loving every minute of being married to him. But why are Indian parents so hell bent on getting their kids hitched as early as possible ? I know someone who got married when she was 23 years old (Yes, in this day and age !) and purely due to pressure from her mom and aunts. Had never lived alone, didn't really know what it entailed. No prior relationships. Living with the guy and his parents. What is next ? Pressure to start a family, pressure to buy a certain kind of house, and so it goes. A relationship is hard enough as it is to manage without both sets of parents, siblings , aunts and uncles forcing their views down the newly-weds throats. Why are Indian parents finding it so hard to let go ? To live and let live ? Is it insecurity ? Is it control issues ?