Call it a side effect of growing up. Call it a side effect of excessive compulsive bloghopping disorder.Call it what you will, I just had to get this off my chest. There comes a point in your life , where you dig deep. And place yourself in the judgement stand, and judge yourself. Sometimes too lenient, sometimes too harsh.Sometimes, sentencing yourself to lifelong imprisonment, sometimes, understanding, and giving yourself that gentle pat. Sometimes you blame yourself completely, sometimes, you wallow in self-pity, thinking"Why me?".
You look back, at all that mistakes you made in the past, all people you hurt , and think, maybe you deserve all this shit and more. You are thankful to people, who have been there, who understand - even those irrational emotional binges that you get into. In all these years, these are the people who have been there, cheering me on, believing in me, pleading me to love myself a little more, asking me to wait for better times.These are people who think I deserve much more. These are people who think I am really special. I have needed these people in more ways I can imagine.
And I have failed repeatedly, to acknowledge their existence, much less celebrate it. I have hurt some, I have failed some,I have been indifferent to others. I have been a bitch, not to celebrate these people. And now, all I am left with is a deep distaste for who I am, and what I have become.I may never have some of these people back again in my life, and I know I ve deserved it completely. People learn from mistakes, they say. Maybe I have become a better person, after all the hurt I have caused these people. Does it matter anymore? I dont know.
You people know who you are. And if it helps in any, any way - I am sorry.
